Four Tips for Resolving Conflict Among Preschoolers

_{by Ileana Almog}

Preschoolers may have little bodies, but their personalities are huge and growing. If you have ever been around a group of preschoolers, whether they were your children, your students, or neighborhood kids dropping by for a play date, then you know that conflicts are frequent and often intense.  Here's an all-too-familar scenario:

Lucy and Johnny are playing in the sandbox. Johnny is shoveling sand in a bucket, and Lucy is sitting nearby, using her hands to dig a hole. After a few minutes, Johnny sets the shovel down, picks up the bucket and dumps it in a corner of the sandbox; Lucy immediately grabs the shovel and starts using it on the hole she has been digging. When Johnny notices, he runs to Lucy and snatches the shovel out of her hands. Enraged, Lucy pushes Johnny hard; they both start crying.

But even though children engaged in a conflict may seem completely uninterested in cooperating with you or each other, do not lose heart. Here are a few conflict resolving tips to help preschoolers solve their own disputes.

Find Out What Happened

Even if you saw what happened, ask the children to explain the problem to you. Getting the children talking is often all it takes to clear up misunderstandings (such as, whether Johnny was really done using the shovel or he had just set aside for a second) and to decide upon a mutually agreeable plan of action. Even more importantly, asking the children to explain their quandary teaches them that they have a voice and that conversation is a reliable method of solving problems.

Sometimes, preschoolers are unwilling or unable to give an accurate account of what happened. Lucy and Johnny may both strongly claim that they had the shovel first. If you are confident that know what happened, don't hesitate to say so. Explain to Johnny that you saw him set the shovel down, which Lucy interpreted as meaning that he was done using it. Also, explain to Lucy that Johnny didn't set the shovel down because he was done with it, but because he needed to empty the bucket. This is a good opportunity to decide, with the children, on a set of rules for sandbox play (for instance, if somebody sets a toy down, it means that other children are free to use it, etc.). 

Solicit Input From The Children

Once it becomes clear what the problem is, ask the children what they think they should do to solve their conflict. Children will often come up with surprising solutions, for instance, now that his frustration has been acknowledged, Johnny might be willing to let Lucy use the shovel. Besides, encouraging the children to propose solutions to their own problems is empowering and fosters independence, not to mention making your own negotiating job easier.

Suggest Alternate Activities

If Johnny and Lucy are both still strongly attached to the idea of using the shovel right away, don't hesitate to make a decision for them. You might suggest to Johnny that, since he has been using the shovel for a long time, it would be nice to let Lucy have a turn. Preschoolers have a lot of reverence for the notion of time, so you and the children could decide on how long a turn should be, and then use your watch to time Lucy's turn and let her know when her time is up. In the meantime, suggest to Johnny that he use the bucket to carry sand to the corner of the sandbox, or that he show you how good he is on the monkey bars.

Set Clear Rules

Don't hesitate to establish and enforce rules, as long as the children can understand them. If you have a rule against all forms of physical aggression, explain to Lucy that pushing another child is not acceptable, even if the other child started it. Encourage Lucy to use her words instead of her body in order to make a point with another child. Also, explain to Johnny that snatching a toy out of another child's hands is not permissible, and encourage him to ask nicely.

Preschoolers learn primarily by interacting with each other and with adults. Even though conflicts among children are unpleasant and often scary, they present tremendous learning opportunities. Take advantage of them and use them to teach your preschoolers how to negotiate, make decisions and solve their own problems.

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Ileana Almog teaches preschool at the Stroum Jewish Community Center in Seattle, WA. She has a degree in Political Science from Seattle University. A native of Romania, Ileana has been living in the Northwest for the past 3 years. She enjoys literature, the outdoors, cooking and travel.

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